Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
