We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
