i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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