I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
