My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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