Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
