I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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