His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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