His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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