I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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