The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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