i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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