i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
