And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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