and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize