If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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