I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can text with my tongue
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
