Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
