Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
did i just pee glitter
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
