YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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