my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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