made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
