I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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