Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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