Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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