There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
