I want to make a zoo with you.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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