The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
this beer tastes like vomit already
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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