Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
is that a dick in a sweater?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
