dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
