We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
