Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
