Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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