found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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