He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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