Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
