i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
