You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
