Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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