summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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