I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
