so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
