I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
