Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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