We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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