yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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