ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
