I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
