There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
