He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
