I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
