If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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