that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
