that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
