Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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