Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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