I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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