Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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