Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
