Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
