non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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